How to Disagree

When was the last time you disagreed with someone? Probably today. Disagreements are a part of life and (can be) part of healthy relationships.

Our world is wracked with disagreements, but I don’t think we know how to disagree.
We know how to name call.
We know how to argue.
We know how to judge (not really, though, because judgment means reaching sensible conclusions, and we know more how to be judgmental -- overly critical).

Do we really understand disagreement, though?

I look at marriages, relationships, political establishments, and churches suffering and I believe a lot of that comes from not being able to disagree. Look at what the world tells us -- that tolerance is agreement and getting along. News flash. Tolerance stems from disagreement. It is disagreement with respect. So maybe what we don’t understand is respect. What we need is respectful disagreements.  

I go immediately to social media. There are all sorts of things to disagree with, from politics to parenting. That’s not the only place where this is an issue. It just seems to be the go to for a lot of people. These are the problems I see, though.

1.  Our sources - What happened to primary and secondary sources? We work from sources where we read someone else’s opinion on what they read. If we really care, we need to really take the time to educate ourselves.

2.  Our locations - If an issue is important to you, address it in person. Even a phone call or letter is better than a social media comment.

3.  Our audience - Truth is, a disagreement doesn't need an audience. If you have one, you are probably not disagreeing. You are probably spouting off.

4.  Our impersonal processes - The internet has a sense of anonymity, and we hide behind it. I hate to the tell you (or maybe I don't), but name calling on the internet strikes me as cowardly. (Feel free to disagree.)

5.  Our techniques - A quick comment is not a disagreement. It's a knee-jerk reaction. Too often, we react and look away.

I feel like we can do better. I don't think my blog will change the world, but it is a good reminder for me about how to treat others. I hope it can do the same for others.

So here are my tips on

How to disagree:

1.  Start by realizing you might be wrong. Really. When was the last time you admitted you were wrong?

2.  Educate yourself. If you are in a disagreement with someone, use your ears and eyes to educate yourself. Listen to their perspective. Read and see what they see. Be willing to learn. Disagreements are learning experiences.

3.  Disagree by sharing your opinions on the issue. Way too often we spend more time sharing our opinions of the person. Most of those opinions are our way of venting and expressing anger. They are hurtful and do not have a place in a disagreement. They have a place in a spitting match. We need to stop defining people based on the things we disagree about. Too many times, because someone disagrees with us, we draw conclusions about their humanity and personality.

4.  Along those same lines, stick with statements like, “In my opinion. . .”, “I disagree with that statement.” Stay away from things like, “What an idiot!”, “I can't believe you think that.”, and “You would have to be a fool to believe that.”

5.  Go back to the basics -- those cliché statements that have golden nuggets of truth.
     * Treat others the way you want to be treated.
     * Walk a mile in their shoes.
     * Don't judge a book by its cover.

6.  Be grateful for different opinions. Be grateful everyone doesn't think like you or only like me. Be grateful for diversity.

7.  Understand that not every difference of opinion has to become a disagreement.

If you disagree with me, that’s okay. This isn’t my way of disagreeing with someone and venting through a blog. I think we have a responsibility to train up the next generation as a people who truly know how to demonstrate respect, and don’t lose their humanity because of the lack of direct human interaction. I believe we start through our own example, and I start with me.